An Open Letter To All Nigerian Boyfriends (For Valentine)

Dear Nigerian boyfriends
We hope that you and your ATM card
are getting ready for Sunday?
In no particular order, below are a
list of items we WOULD NO LONGER
accept as Valentine day gifts.
1. BBM BC’s
2. Whatsapp BC’s
3. BBM PM Shoutouts
4. Instagram Woman Crush Sunday.
5. Romantic sms except it is
accompanied with a credit alert.
6. Card: Soft and hard copies. This is
not applicable to recharge cards.
Please note the s.
7. Leaves/Flowers: Fresh, rubber,
dried, scented, unscented, cooked and
uncooked.
8. Perfumes from an unnamed
designer: That type that stains cloth
and produces rashes.
9. Cheap jewelries made out of copper,
steel, zinc and iron.
10. Cheap chocolates.
11. Rice & Chicken in Mr Biggs nylon.
However, while we are still saving for
your Bentley, we expect that you’d
receive your regular valentine pack of
a handkerchief, a singlet and a boxer
with sincere appreciation as these
three items connotes a deep meaning
that has more value than silver and
gold.
A white handkerchief signifies
gratitude. We are indirectly
apologising for all the times we made
you sweat and thanking you for
sticking with us.
All the wonderful things you could
use your handkerchief for
You boys never have more than three
singlets. This is why we keep adding
another one year after year.
We wouldn’t be giving you briefs/
boxers if we haven’t envisage a future
with you. We care about your body &
the packaging of reproductive organs.
Extras of ties and cufflinks, who
doesn’t like a perfect gentleman?
In addition to the above, you are
expected to observe the following
rules from now till 15th February.
– You are not allowed to take any one
week impromptu trip to the village to
visit your uncle’s brother husband.
No fake business trips! No
disappearing acts!
– You are advised not to fake any
form of terminal disease or sickness.
Be warned.
– No bad phone, bad network, bad
battery, phone speaker is bad , power
button is not working excuses.
– No ‘ATM is not working or card has
been blocked’ excuses. You have from
now till Friday to register your BVN.
– You are advised to increase your
tolerance level for all our excesses.
No ‘we should go on a break’ ‘It’s not
you, it’s me’ or ‘I have been thinking
about this relationship’ speech will be
accepted.
– Third service, fourth service, prayer
meeting, youth meeting and fasting
MUST NOT be used as an excuse come
Sunday the 14th.
Please pass to respective parties. We
thank you in advance for
understanding.
Signed:
By @Naijasinglegirl,
On behalf of girlfriends in Nigeria.